The Box! ! ! !

Journal Entry, 14 February 2014

I realize - after reading Keith's email several times, reviewing the contents of the box over and over - that the pieces Chrissy sent me were, in fact, cherished by Philip - because I gave them to him. He kept everything I ever gave him - she was showing me his love, the constance, the depth, of it.

I was bitter - disappointed - when I first opened the box. But again, I read Keith's email: 'put aside your expectations and accept what is offered.'

And that's what turned me around - Philip kept everything. He made a list, entitled 'Things I Like'. There were two names on this list, one on the left hand side of the page, one on the right. 'Natalie' was on the left, 'Chrissy' was on the right. He recorded everything he loved to do with me - the only other person he did that for was his daughter.

The bear, the cat, the pillow - they'll sit on my bench in my bedroom. The card I had sent with the bear, cat and pillow rests on my desk, next to his photo. He kept it all these years - and knowing my boy, he looked at it often.

I guess I was hoping to find more - something to make the emptiness go away. And yet, that's exactly what Chrissy sent me - proof of who I was to Philip - through 'the things they carried'.

Here's the thing - this offering - so not what I expected, so less, and yet somehow, so much more, is addressing that emptiness. The knowing - I thought I knew how he loved me, who I was to him, but obviously I didn't. I wouldn't be in such conflict if I knew, on my soul level.

Chrissy gave me that - by giving me tangible proof of his love, of his heart, of him.

I toasted him - his honor, his respect, his love, his ever-constant protection - his heart, his dark, his light. I couldn't see through my tears, could barely feel my fingers as I held on so tight.

This box - these pieces? Of me, to him, and back again? Twofold message: first volley, he's really gone. Second volley, he never ever let me go.

Maybe that's what's so challenging to deal with - he's had my back since I was 14. Sometimes too much so, to my chagrin, but always there. The hole his passing left in my life was huge - affecting all levels of my being. It wasn't until this box that I realized i'd been hiding behind my pain - living a half-life and saying I was in mourning.

I'll mourn him for the rest of my days.

But I will no longer hide behind him - I'll celebrate him, live my life, fully.

Honor what he offered to me - what is always there for me. His heart.

God Philip I miss you ....